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04-Aug-2019 16:32

I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'" "I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. I never saw a paperclip with tattoos before." If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy.Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like 'Huh? ', but if it's in a fruit basket you're like 'This is nice! What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did." "I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. I don't like when I go in a store and they call me "Boss." "Hey boss, can I help you, boss?Dean, The Last Time You Had Fun, Sequoia, In a World..., Take Me Home Tonight, Taking Woodstock, Post Grad, Bandslam, The Rocker, Invite Them Up, Analyze That, The Best of Comedy Central Presents, Moon People[on producing an indie movie] It's humbling.You get twenty days to shoot the thing and you think you're ready, and then of course reality hits you.Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.' But when you're in the woods you're like, 'Is there an asshole out here? It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.'" "People and squirrels are very different. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. " A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite colorperson? The next day he said, "That burrito did not agree with me." I was like, "Was the disagreement over whether or not you'd have diarrhea? Taking Woodstock Demetri Martin (Elliot Tiber): Dad, that's bleach for the laundry.

But I already started eating my sandwich; I took it out of the bag, I was impatient.

I feel like you should give someone flowers if you want to threaten them, here you’re next.

Like a lifevest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweatervest protects you from pretty girls. Really saying here you go, now watch these die, cause I like you.

It's all those things that you really don't have to worry about with stand-up. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. ' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat? 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind? 'I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney.

Show up to the gig, tell the jokes for an hour then you're done.[on performing in stand-up comedy] I have to trust that I will come up with something good each day, whether it's a drawing or a joke or a couple of jokes, or an idea for a story, or a paragraph. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize.

But I already started eating my sandwich; I took it out of the bag, I was impatient.

I feel like you should give someone flowers if you want to threaten them, here you’re next.

Like a lifevest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweatervest protects you from pretty girls. Really saying here you go, now watch these die, cause I like you.

It's all those things that you really don't have to worry about with stand-up. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. ' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat? 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind? 'I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney.

Show up to the gig, tell the jokes for an hour then you're done.[on performing in stand-up comedy] I have to trust that I will come up with something good each day, whether it's a drawing or a joke or a couple of jokes, or an idea for a story, or a paragraph. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize.

Demetri Evan Martin (born May 25, 1973) is an American comedian, actor, artist, musician, writer and humorist.